After much debate (and by much, I mean none whatsoever) about whether I/we would still be here, I decided to write this week’s column because: 1.) “meh no behleed in dat dere crahzy man…” 2.) my guess is that the internet would survive the rapture 3.) I’m a writer 4.) I’m an insomniac. I also decided NOT to write about the rapture or lack thereof because: 1.) “e’erybody is doin’ it…” 2.) all I could think about was rapture sex (pre-rapture, post-rapture, the auto-erotic asphyxia of rapturous climax–you see where is goin’), which I can always write about 3.) I’d have to somehow find a sexy way to mention the decapitation of zombies and the remainder of the damned, which is a prompt I’m just not ready play with.
So back to the lists…first, a very necessary addendum to the ‘To Do(n’t) List’ from last last week–Don’t Hang-up. That’s not wordplay or a PSA on the erotic asphyxiation reference above, it’s a simple meme on agreeable telephonic communication. We’re all adults here–act like it, end your conversation with the appropriate tactfulness and etiquette. [Tips hat.]
5.) Do your due diligence. Part of the problem I have with the abuse of lists is that they’re as lazy as they are illogical. While most men would plead “nolo contendere” to our foolishly superficial reliance on the appearance/physical attraction pedestal, women are equally guilty of credentialing based on non-factors. Vetting isn’t an exact science, but there is a more than reasonable margin of error in our favor. We use it as fuel to push toward and through the risks that fulfill our hearts desires. The whole premise of your head vs. heart makes for a war where there need be none. Let your thoughts immerse in the sea of your emotions until they are inseparable. Then you can decide things without taking sides.
4.) Do the right thing. Subjective? Sure. But you get the idea. If it feels wrong, go with that feeling and find a better way. I don’t believe in moral bankruptcy. And IF it does exist, my guess is there’s some other mental or psychological attached. But generally we all have some baseline ideas about the good, bad and ugly. Don’t betray them. And more importantly, when you do betray them (we are tragically human after all), do all that you can to help heal the wounds. Not just the obligatory apology, but the extended act of making amends.
3.) Do the damn thing. You knew this was coming, yes? Make LOVE, not war…then make LOVE some more. Seal it with a kiss–a series of kisses aimed at well-scouted targets. Let your fingers do the talking. This is the advanced body language course. Be the teacher–and the student. I could go on–but I really shouldn’t have to.
2.) Do the damn thing thing, the right way. The only thing worse than having to swallow the bitter cocktail of relationship strife is having to chase it with under-whelming sex. On the other hand, a great lay carry you a long way down Redemption Road. This is a time to shift into a higher gear (which assumes that haven’t already–which you ought to be ashamed of). Don’t believe that downplayed, underrated, “sex isn’t really that important to me” nonsense that people throw around to make themselves seem more demure. Get into your partner’s head. Give your partner head (to toe and back). Head to the places and do the things that they enjoy most. Pull some tricks from up your sleeve. Make it special, different, new–but whatever you do, make happen–better.
1.) Do tell. The most devalued commodity in the world is the word. Repression is real and we’re taught to disguise or belie our feelings from the first “sad” face or sign of tears. Fear freezes the inclination to sincerely express wants, needs, passions, passing thoughts, fantasies or even fear itself, all for the sake of appearances. It’s self-imposed censorship–and it’s cancerous. To the contrary, there is something entirely liberating about using your words. “Say anything…then say EVERYTHING.” [REPEAT.]